Mind

Mind, my mind, your mind, whose mind
am I trying to grope it
mind my mind where did it go
mind your mind why doesn't it let me
empty this emptiness shrouds my awareness
its preying on my misery, i don't want to succumb
mind my mind I question my sanctity
you its you whose robbed me of it
or is it you yes sir you standing there judging me
shadows yes I see shadows walking in the dark stairways of my mind


struggle, I struggle with keeping my mind calm
rouses, why does it get so roused
is it you ,yes you who took away my peace
me or is it me who doesn't give it a rest.

mind your mind what are you thinking about me
cringe, I cringe thinking of all the things you would say
absurd, is what I define myself at times
time, my mind is eluding it away

stir, feelings stir
heady,

in the throes of vulnerability,
i feel the will ebbing away
i look in the deep whirlpool of emotions
the mess that it leaves behind\
robs me of my peace
robs me of sanctity
and i feel exhuasted
i look for an outlet, a saviuor
who pulss me from this abyss
but ive been waiting for too long
and the will is ebbing away

the woods have been barren for too long
the leaves have left  their branches
i can't find my way back home
i seem to have lost my way back to myself

every time you pull yourself back up
you think thats the last time
life has you fooled that there are endless possibilities
that you fall only once
that theres something to be looked forward to
but till when can you wait

trap ,trap is what you do to hide from the world



i want to follow the ifs and the buts
lie on my back and frivolously dream
of a time yet to come and a person yet to be...

its where the moist wind and the cloudes, the horizon and the sunshine merge
its when my soul is freed from bodily restrictions
where energies collide and give rise to wistfulness

I want to stand under the sky and feel my insignificance
i want to look the ocean in the eye and feel myself shrink
ist like we complicate it much.
circle uncircle the possibilities in my head

Count all the stars that light up the night sky
not worry about the sun about to rise
wallow in the space that i occupy
scribble mess up the tidy sands on the beach
unmake my hair and let them flow with the breeze
is this what happiness is to me?

whisper into the emptiness of the night sky
listen to the breeze take me words away
far into the empty horizon that the sun has to fill
stuck in the continuum between being heard and unheard

dream about places yet to see
have conversations with people yet to meet
travel through the 40s straight to the 90s

Abditory

The heart feels brimmed
brimmed to the surface of my soul
of words, feelings and musings that I cannot let go
this ache that resides inside
of battles lost and forgotten
spills over the brink and dampens my soul

I seek a place where I long to disappear
to unburden my mind
And rest my soul
I conjure the deepest of woods
a sanctuary that I call my own
to loose myself in this abditory
and purge my soul

The sand renders my footsteps untraceable

the wind diffuses my scent

the night cloaks my silhouette

And I walk till living becomes obscure

I scamper through the woods

edging away from consciousness

There are holes in my feathery coat
the pines hurt my feet

the wind blows hard
but my heart flutters with glee
I see that lone street light
that i had first met down this muddy trail 

memory resurrects the frail remnants of that cold wintery night

when I finally found myself
familiarity warmly engulfs me

I feel I have come back home

I sit confounded at how words brim to the surface of my soul
they stir up these funny feelings
of sorrows, of delights and the whereabouts of life
Its down this trail I come again and again

where I've trapped pieces of me 

to relive those moments imprisoned in time

in these locked up diaries of hidden trails
of dampened hearts and trampled bushes
written under dimmed lights
with muted sighs and perpetuated silences
lies a person I know
a person that comforts me
a person that reminds me of me
I have not learned to express
without a pen and paper
And hence I return to this carefully camouflaged version of myself
to preserve yet another moment in time

This is my abditory, 

This is where I can be myself again...

Waiting for you

This house is vacant again
its laying in wait to hear your footsteps
longing to hear the sound of your giggles
waddling away time to draw the time of your homecoming

Somewhere from the shadows my melancholic person emerges
"hello there, hadn't seen you for a while"
i feel an urge to hold a piece of paper
and write of how you make me smile

The chair next to me still has your impressions
your cup still sits on the table
your eyes haven't left me yet
And i sit reminiscing this morning that I spent with you

They say i'm a loner, they say i solicit my own company
but now that you've come
my soul recognises you as it does me
It know you as an extension of my own person

I know the reason behind the creases under your eyes
I know that night why you sighed
I've seen you lost in thought through the corners of my eye
I've seen you hide so much under that smile
Through all that and more, you've loved me all this while

I know our routine of doing stupid things
just to hear each others laughter echo
I know how we go out for each other
and how we wait to see one another everyday

We live in our own cocoon, the world that we've made for ourselves
where our thoughts stay aloft
we talk, we laugh, we ruminate in each others silences
how we dream, of a life yet to come
and how we cherish the life we have had so far

Now i'm left with half of myself while you ve taken my thoughts away with you
Its hard to watch you go away,
Even if it is for a few days
As it takes a whole side of me
All i'm left with is a long wait
waiting like this house of your footsteps to return...

Forgiveness

They say the truth can set you free...
they say the burdens are lifted
the anger sorrow and grief evaporates
there is a version of truth that you carry along
and you make it yours
to feed in denial that you've carried for oh so long
it shackles the anger, the deep seated misery
doesn't release, doesn't cease
And you think you have all the answers
still u feel a tiny nudger ,that tethers your conscience
curbing ur peace of mind

Suddenly when the truth dawns
and when it finally confronts you
the naked bitter truth
under the throes of piercing reality
the harsh cold wave of introspection
and it whispers it was never you , it was always me
even when it casts a light on your chastity
i feel relieved , feel free
the undenying fact stands next to you
to make you realise how you based your life
on the false self victimising version of the truth
of how much time you wasted in the anger , the hatred
of how you made every decision under this guarded truth
it feels futile to have gone through so much
had you ever put urself out in the light
the heart break would have been easier
had i not shunned away from the light...

but now I feel free, head feels lighter
ive been through hell and back a million times
but this time , i can finally breathe
the one heavy veil of darkness lifted from me
the epiphany lifted me from the darkest corners in my heart
And I found it in my heart to finally forgive you,
I finally found a way to forget you.

Megha



"Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn
anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive
is too small for you."
David Whyte

a call for a new life....

the wind gushes..
rain hits hard on the floor
mind rushes..
leaving no place to explode

grey skies , leafless trees
a hard heart, a pair of rough feet
nothing hampers my speed
i keep going , i keep going

familiar faces keep waning
the streets become secluded
its time its time
its time to head home
its time to leave.

there is a new life
that waits for me
and its calling out to me
i need to leave this hive
to set this part of me free

My stairway to heaven

And I asked life " what is it that you want from me?"
with furrowed brows, palliated soul and sore feet
I have walked and walked in search of novelties
in search of my silver lining

living my life from one moment to the other
those brief fulfilling moments
this one moment catches my attention
walking in the milieu of happy spirited souls
the melodies humbly letting the atmosphere overpower
I ruminate fondly over the remnants of these moments
I sit dazed at the lessons you so often give,
and i chose to ignore

this memory stays imprinted in my mind
the thought of it evokes a resonating feeling
i stay riveted to the sight
a bunch of balloons cascading in the air
the wind swirls and twirls
even when the wind gushes and rushes
the steadiness in the flow never impedes never recedes..
its as if nothing can upset the motive of these pack of balloons
they rise, they fade, still stay rooted to its anchor ,
standing vibrantly amidst a set of oblivious eyes

my time freezes, my moment comes to the fore
I stay bewitched by these inanimate objects
the steadiness, the stability builds an anchor inside of me
I never want to let go of the feeling
they move together, they stay put together
even on that treacherous road

this is my personal christmas
my life lies in the colours around me
the happy faces, the laughter
the mellifluous melody entwined with the air
letting me soak the magic in this place
and i ponder
life is so precious, its opened a multitude of dimensions infront of me
and i choose and wander on the path closest to me
the path that surprises me, challenges me, keeps me excited about going forward

This is a solemn oath to myself
my anthem i choose to follow
I shall continue to find the beauty in life wherever i go,
because the journey is worth a thousand destinations
that my sore feet would cherish forever
because its my journey
my life, that i made for myself
my silver lining is for me to see how far i've come
my soul , that tells me to keep going
miles to go before I sleep
miles to explore before another journey calls out to me.

My anchor

I suddenly opened my eyes and saw you
staring at the book you hold
the rays shining the little creases on your forehead
how idyllic is life right now?

I silently watch as you flip that page
averting eyes, flitting mind
ragged breathing, hued concentration
my world feels alive

I drive out on the street
the same sun kissing my skin
that just left your creaseless forehead
filling the dark voids in my memory
with pictures of you, smiling unconsciously

i hold this world of mine close to my heart
in a place that i protect
i make my own truth , i make my own life
when happiness awakens
I choose to shy away from darkness
i live in the ephemeral moment, that is so mine

walking under a grey sky
in a soulless city,
with auburn coloured leaves flying recklessly in the turbulent wind
looking for an anchor
looking for a place where they can rest their runned down souls
looking for perceptions that could see the life left within

I have fluttered for a long time
shifting my anchors through the inner turmoil
manoeuvring my inhibitions, gauging my intuitions
seeking my soul
but its time , time to hold on to the last anchor
till the turbulence subsides
till the perception becomes fixed
and i become riveted to it, for life.

Words

Words, have been the quintessence of my existence

have been the force behind my actions

have been a voice to my emotions

have turned my life into a living symphony

I loose myself to be found in my words

the semblance of letters patch my soul together

thread by thread, stitch by stitch

underneath the unadorned display of my soul

I find a glimpse of the real me

I sat here in silence glancing through my poems

I let the words swallow me,

consume me, char my spirit

under the layers of perception 

behind the veils of these frail moments

I often find what I truly yearn for

You search out in life

travel distances, solicit the company of strangers 

to ask the truth behind life 

the meaning, the calling

never knowing, never acknowledging 

that the truth lies somewhere within you

and when these words stare at you 

you realize it should always have been this way

there are a million emotions raging

half of which cannot be described by words

still I implore their company

there is a little bit of me in all these words

sometimes jovial, sometimes sinister, 

sometimes frivolous, sometimes melancholic

seasons come and gone

makes the obscure nuances between them starker

the impact on my life, sometimes waxes and wanes 

but they would always allow me into their shell

to seek me from my core

there is a little bit of me in the tenor of each of these words

there is a lot left of me, to describe in words some more

Fleeting musings

Come walk with me

into the morning sun

where the dew drops, matted over the green canvas

palliate our roughened souls

Come stay with me

through day in and night

I didn't ask for a love sonnet

I didn't ask for a flowery bed

just stay,

till all the insecurities wash away

come hold my hand

firmly, steadily

hold me through that traitorous road

I can make it through on my own

but I just want to know, you were right behind

Look into my eyes deeply

and let me see that you understand my soul

for I want you to know me

in those moments when I don't know myself

Be kind to me, as I have been to you

I have a soft soul behind those high gates

I let you in,

I let you see all the vulnerabilities in me

Let me breathe in the space I gave you, peacefully

Lie with me, in the moment that is so mine

on lonely meadows, perched atop an undulated topography

under that solitary tree,

revelling in the sun's filtered rays

in the wind that mixes your scent with my headiness

yes, my moment, this moment

that is so ephemeral that it shall last forever

as the sun bids adieu, so shall you

today,  tomorrow or somewhere in the receding horizon

i shall be happy enough

to capture a bit of your soul

I will keep it between my wistful sheets

in longing memory of what

it could have been.

To my grandfather ...

I watched you every morning

when you dressed,

when you exercised, when you met people

when you worked day in and day out

I saw what your work meant to you

I saw how your people revered you

Despite the adulation, you were humble and unyielding

I was in awe with you then , I am even now

I was 5, and you were an important man.

I wish I had known you as my grandfather,

I wish you had time 

in the some moments that you were there

I wish I was not that shy.

I grew up looking upto you

with every obstacle I ever faced in life

with every condescending look, with every demeaning word every said

I thought of you, 

of your strength to face a nation

of your conviction of your work

of your will to fight back

that made me go on

that has defined who I am today

With every challenge I would say

my grandfather did it, so will I.

People say I have a lot of strength

I'm a maverick, I'm bold

people say I have the courage to go off the beaten track

I have always known where that came from

from the life you've led 

from the person you are

I never wanted to let you down 

and hence , I carried on 

I always, always braved the storm.

People follow inspirational figures

people they have never known

I never had to look far 

because I always had you

You were always proud of me

I just wanted to make you even prouder 

and hence I worked and worked, 

and the day I found my salvation was 

when you said " I see myself in you".

Endlessly, the world has shackled you

the world has been unfair 

you have been unfair to a lot of people

you've lost a lot, gained very less in life 

but its that man in you who still holds onto life

holds onto his true self

holds on to his core strength

has always amazed me

I have never met another being like yourself

On occasions you have looked past me

on occasions I probably didn't matter

but despite of everything grand dad

you have been my defining force in life

and I know, you have never known that

I may never tell you this 

but I love you every bit

I've always drawn strength from you 

I have never seen you falter

that is the memory I wish to keep forever.

No matter what happens next or 

what people say 

how people perceive you 

or how they try to dissect your life in my eyes

the memory of you, your life, your courage, your strength 

are etched in my mind forever

that is my own personal stash of strength

You may never know how much you have made me

but I'd like you to know 

that you're my grand father first

and the rest doesn't matter at all.

With whatever life would hit me 

I know I will face it 

because I have your blood running in my veins

because I am Your grand daughter.

  

Looking back to see how far i've come ..

                                                       Connecting dots in retrospect

or dots connecting by themselves ...

am i leading my time

or is time leading me

slowly and steadily i uncover the hidden path

wondering where it shall lead

or where I lead it eventually

the clock ticks by
time rides on tides
sometimes washing ashore, breaking into my conscious
sometimes leaving my space
letting me live in my moments
times been an ally, i knew not
it passed by on occasions
on occasions it just stood still
witnessing silently , my emotions flow

theres a smile lingering at the back of my mind
the memory of it dangles in the air 
suffuses me with renewed freshness
it half reaches my lips
it half fades away with the memory of it
I willingly succumb to my self-effacing mind 


In the midst of the melody of  synchronised unsavoury voices
my heart plays an irregular tune 
my eyes look skyward
my ears turn within 
I keep trying to discern 
the inexplicable stirring happening within me
i try to wrap my head around what it could possibly be
but I guess
the heart has its reasons, that reasons know not.

I feel heady today , my heart knows why 
the air is intoxicating and the clouds are shy
I'm at the threshold of the reason of my very existence 
I've worked all my life
to achieve that picture of me 
in the heart of hearts
this mental picture never got lost, in the seasons come and gone
no one can ever take that away from me
because I have become, I have come into my being

I've been searching all my life for that place I've longed for
my realm , my universe
it is ready besides me today, to set me free
the breeze blows through my hair
whispers gently in my ear , 
'you're here, you're finally here'

And now, I follow the path covered with shrubs of uncertainty
a thorn here, a flower there
this is how I chose life to be
drenched with ambiguity, excitement and with heart wrenching beauty
for the journey I chose , and the journey I led so far
has always made every step worth it
I have to keep going on
to be true to myself
to uncover what is left to be uncovered
to see what is left to be seen
to find, what is left of me. 

I will forever be very unapologetically me!

A word, a glance, those suggestive eyes
I know what you think
I know what you mean
I've seen my share of life
i've struggled, i failed i succeeded
i made something of me
which you cannot see
so you cant take it from me

I'm a woman, I might look frail
but i'm as hard as a nut
you can't break into me
you can't break me down
I have an indomitable spirit
its never let me down

I'm smart , i'm pretty ,
I rejoice in being me
and I have every right to be
I am nothing but a less than perfect image of myself
I won't demean, I won't debase myself
to make you feel empowered
I am and will forever be
very unapologetically me

it is my prerogative
to live , to breathe in the air I choose to
to not be a slave to your thoughts, your desires
my mind cannot be manoeuvred, or led astray
And if I don't give in
you better go the other way

you punish me
you bring me to the ground
I will only get back up each time
because I never learnt to give up
you will never get the best of me

my morals, my ideals , my values, my being
are very well defined
you can't sway me in either way
because I walk my own path
i reign on my own mind

This is not the end that you see of me
I have an unyielding spirit
an indelible mind
Its not over till I don't say it
It's not over till I don't win.

Glimpse into one of my nights...

Lone rangers of the sleepless nights
what keeps you up?
is it love and happiness
or worry and anxiety
or chasing the helms of an implausible dream?
or webbing plans along the maze called life

lone rangers of the sleepless nights
what is that you protect?
in the shrouded darkness from watchful eyes
a desire?
a sacred wish?
a hidden treasure?
a coveted life?
does it enrapture your soul?
does it make your daily living obscure?

Lone rangers of these sleepless nights
do you surrender your walls to the throes of vulnerability
or do you let go off the egoistic pretence
and submit to fearless introspection

What is it that you fear?
what is it that you hold so dear?
that is revealed in the fervent throngs of these solitary nights

Lone rangers of these soulful nights
what music does your night play
do the leaves rustle merrily by your window
after  a treacherous rainy day

do you dig deep or do you let it be
do your memories encapsulate you as the night unwinds
or does your mind take you to places u hardly would find
do you yearn for unfulfilled wishes
or do you soar the unrestricted blue skies
do you bask in the uncertainty of the ceaselessly advancing time

it is in these moments
that life comes into being
the world slows down
and the pace is subliminal
when you wrap your head around yourself
you encounter you dimly under the lights of the shadowy lamps
when there is nowhere to look without
but just to seek within
the answers, the solace,  the agony, the peace
wait for you to decide the flavour of this night
lone rangers of these sleepless nights
which road are you going down tonight?

An ode to the women I see

She flies with her own wings
    her life is her song
her scruples, the objections in her path
    her leisure, her bed of fantasies

her world, her perception from her eyes
    her heart, a mirror of her unsung desires
her mind, a pool of its afflictions and aspirations
    her spirit, unencumbered
her essence immortalised in time

she falls , she rises, she braves the tide
   but sometimes, yet sometimes
she frees herself and rides home on the tides

her stoic semblance bottles up the tumultuous emotions
   raging her interiors, eroding her stability
its human, its only human to feel this way
   she gives in
sometimes frugally, sometimes unsparingly
   but she knows well, when time comes
to take her possessions back

there is a little satchel she carries
   where she keeps her little bundles of joy
her own space, her own prerogative before time
   she keeps it hidden
hidden in those moments of self-torn desire
   hidden between moments
of loosing and finding yourself
   between rationality and irrationality
between sighing and breathing
   between the dawn and the early morn
in all those seconds spent in vulnerable thought

and before the twilight ends
   before it takes back the little tufts like clouds soaked with serene lusciousness
before dawn breaks into her sub conscious
   she wraps her little joys, and puts them away, shielded
under her cotton sheets of wistful chimeras
   she walks through her day customarily
a smile here, an empathetic shrug there
   but in her heart
she longs to surround herself in
   her private possessions- her memories, her desires, her moments, her soul
to relive those treasured silent memories of unrequited dreams

I'm amazed by the soul in front of me
   always hiding behind the shadows of a half-revealed self
hoping someday someone would see
   see through the unseen, see through the disguised impersonation of herself
I'm amazed how unsparingly people disregard her delicate soul
   but she still does
she still walks on the unknown roads
   trying to find her own way
in the milieu of dogmatic voices
   she believes in singing her own song
because she flies, she flies with her own wings ....

 

delicious ambiguity, alluring anonymity

Delicious ambiguity, why does it entice me
why does it draw me
is it an escape from a tireless regime
or an escape from or to reality?

in the potently static reality
the staleness in the air makes my mind numb
i adapt to my peripheral surrounding
i accept this delusion as my reality
till the time i need to break the mould
to reclaim my lost mind
to have my own free reign over my self
without my mind impeding
without the hidden armour going up
and then i see , then i see how delusive i have been....

the hum-drum of dialy activites
reverberate in my mind
it confines me to think and react and behave in only certain acceptable ways
and now i cant discern whether which part is really me
and which part is the facade i adopt to keep up with the pace of this mundane life..

And then I need to break free from the ceaselessly ongoing regime
when i no longer can be a subject to routine
so i set on a journey , as it calls for me
hoping to reclaim my lost soul

when i view the world from a third perspective
it is the moment that i view myself from a third perspective
there is some pleasure in getting lost
in loosing urself tll u find urself
there is some peace in walking in a crowd
when ur not under a constant radar
you take a step back, back from life
and see
see the people, the faces walking by
when nobody observes you
and u see the faces
u recognise a few, some confound u
ur cloaked in a shroud of naked invisibility
yes there is pleasure in anonymity
is that y i travel?

the uncertainty of the new place, whiskes away all ur defenses
u fulfill your desire to see the end of all world
explore endlessly changing horizons
see a different rising and a different setting sun
freedom form the current regime
its like breathing again
makes u feel formless, invincible
without any boundaries
ur thoughts can explore any deep seated notions
ur thoughts can uproot any fixed conception
your views can move beyond your peripheral subconcious
your eyes can perceive greater than they can visually see
u feel a change happening within thee
u mould ur mind according to ur renewed perception
u evaluate ur biased values
u imbibe the air , the feeling , the culture of the new place
there is such pleasure in anonymity and more
it opens possibilities of existence
like you can exist in more forms than one
u can romantize life in new forms
there is some pleasure in delaying and acting
the moment in between relaxes you
it swells the ignorance of the unknown future
makes u believe ur in control of the moment

there is pleasure between loosing ur senses and regaining control
in holding and letting go
in confessing and repressing
as it opens several possibilities
probably even more than those that exist
feels like
the pleasure between winter and spring
of hope, of faith of letting go
i summon the ignorance to the fore
i summon the hope to the fore
there is beauty, utter peace and delight
in not getting to know
of flowing with life
of not questioning back
and letting life take total control
and numbing ur mind

delicious ambiguity
alluring anonymity
why do they mesmerise me?

ignorance is subject to obliviousness ..

sometimes, i do entertain certain thoughts
i play around a bunch of ideas
why?
becuase the mind is the most intriguing thing
even if its rightfully urs
it never obeys u
it never succumbs to you
it plays tricks on u
it can take you to the highest highs
and the lowest lows
and you think that u can master it
you leave no room for uncertainty
to reign full control over your mind
and just in the moments you think hard
to decipher your own motives
reasons,excuses
ur astounded by the facts you uncover
because even if they were hidden inside of you
u were oblivious to it
maybe the world saw it
maybe it didnt
maybe u burried it deep inside
but the mind never forgets
is it then ur biggest foe or your strangest ally
the walls u build around you
is it to shield urself from the world or shield urself from ur mind?

the little reassurances that you need...

In the milieu of the ongoing conundrum,
the racket, and the pandemonium
i looked back at life for reassurance
and life beckoned me

and when i reached the cross roads yet again
when the past seems dear and the future seems befuddled
and when taking a step ahead or back
is moving away from the other
I looked back at life for reassurance
and life beckoned me

when the glorious years, and times spent with loved ones end
when you realize that besides that suitcase, you have no perpetual friend
the heart singes when a change is realised
I looked back at life for reassurance
and life beckoned me

life said ...
there is yet another blue sky
there is yet another less travelled path to be explored
you loved, you lost, you sang, you drowned
but you told courage not to be shy
and hence , I showed you me, I showed you different facets of life

I shall see you once more
this is not the end my sweet one
it is the beginning of the beginnings to be foretold
and when you silently prayed for amazement to titillate
I opened a lot more doors

I showed you the bluest skies
the inconceivable abyss in the stormy seas
the waves crushing the tranquil exterior of phlegmatic shores
the solemn oath of the lonely tree to keep stretching towards light
the brazen laziness of the placid sun
and when you asked humility to captivate your soul
I laid the path for you, to retrieve a thousand old souls

I showed you faces, I showed you people,
I showed you hearts that laid down their deepest passions
I let you see , the beauty behind those faces
I let you see the stoic journeys behind the reticent smiles
and when you gave compassion a voice
you endeavoured to seek beyond me

I would uncover myself bit by bit, if you only ask for more
for I seek what you're seeking for
then why dont you trust me, why does your heart look for reassurance
why does it look for familiar grounding
when your eyes search for endlessly changing horizons?
why do you glance behind
looking for the fading silhouette of what you once were
the charade of the once been's and the once had's

Follow me, let change survive
let the memories you hold dear
humble your every step
Follow me, let me lead
for there is so much to seek
so much to uncover,
the laughter , the joys , the sorrows and the tomorrows
wait for you on the other side
leap, leap with me..

I promise not an easy journey
I promise not to always make you smile
But I promise that the sagacity of thought shall prevail
the trials and tribulations are all a part of the plan
but I promise to make it worth the while

For this is not the end my child
change is certain
it would take a while
from now onwards you shall only move forward
and when you reconcile with this fact
I will be waiting for you on the other side...


Megha

Moments of misplaced emotions, emotions of misplaced moments

somewhere in my hallway

i hear footsteps approaching my door

the louder they get , the harder my heart beats

somebody calls out my name from across the hall

the voice echoes within the walls of my mind

trying to search for a familiarity, 

to put together the syllables to help me see that soul

but i can't discern the difference

if its u or not

slowly the vaguely familiar voice reaches the corners of my heart

the place that i keep hidden from the world

it triggers the memory of the dew eyed girl i keep concealed

under the shroud of maturity and composure 

but suddenly my heart stutters

to my surprise ,it skips a beat

my face comes to life

and my eyes gleam

i hear my name again 

and my heart plunges into a flurry of emotions

swirling twirling ,

crippling my poise 

reigniting my long lost self

is it destiny, de ja vu or memories from across time

i walk towards the door 

should i open it?

or should i wait a second longer

I'm walking on a thin line

the time draws on me

but i don't want to decide just yet

i want to stand across the door

make that voice flame my senses

and hear my name once again

I'm anxious to see the eyes that search for me, I'm nervous to find out more

should i just relish this moment in time

or should i open this door?

my heart softens, the dew eyed girl comes to the fore

it is in this moment she comes to life

if i could embody my emotions

if someone could personify what i feel

u would see

oh! you would so clearly see 

the difference between the surface and the inside

of how much i disguise , of how much i leave undisguised

of how much i drown the voice of my own heart

of how different i am than what appears ..

i delay the moment , purposely

i'm exhilarated and anxious in these moments trapped in time

time trapped between the sound of the syllables

the time when you stop to catch your breath

the time in which i can gather myself from the moment of delirium

while anxiously wishing ur still there

how , why, when..

are the words that perplex me

but i push the thoughts away

because I know the importance of this moment

across the hall

inches from me 

inches from my heart

freezing these moments in time

is the unfamiliar person with a familiar voice

but if you knew, if you only knew

the gravity in me, the brevity of this moment

you would stay …

i cannot fathom the saneness in this moment

of why the world stops and stares

its the way i feel right now

is all i really care

i don't now when reality would dawn

or when i get my composure back

i let my feeble spirit , that fragile girl over power

before lifes trivialities bring the coherence back

the veil would be up again, the world will seem the same again

till you come knocking back….

A very similar one to the previous one

My moments of creative outlet:

when the sun sets in, when my eyes are dim
when the clouds hover in the dark skies
when theres no connection in my world
when the footsteps resonate without any rhythm
when the speech is unvoiced
and the eyes are unexpressed
when the words are left standing in the air
and all movement stagnates
is when the mayhem sets in

when i close out the world, and the world closes in
im set in pace with contradiction
u invade my life , i push you out
u surrender , i run away
u evade, i scamper after you
u express , i object
i judge, i empathise, i fight, i concede
these are also the imperfections in me

i'm intrigued by the conflict within a paradox
the opposing ends mystify me
it brings out the two sides within
i like the blacks, i like the starch whites
i like the ignorant, i like the wise
i like the cynic , i like the pipe-dreamer
i like the delirious , i like the sober
im set in pace with contradiction
these are the two parts of me
i endure in their conflict
i'm contend in their harmony

In the ongoing conundrum, i feel a little bit lost
of where i belong
should i go to the left or a little bit to the right
for i dont know which is the true me
one acts and the other reacts
the crusader me or the maverick me

these brief reflections of self would never cease
and this conflict would always persist
for i am set in pace with contradiction now and forever...

My 'oxymoronic' or 'moronic' nature

My 'oxymoronic' or 'moronic' nature :

what is not enough , is always enough

what is enough, will never be sufficient 

is what i want , also what i need?

I was born with a dichotomous nature

so, the world told me to separate the virtues from the vices

to shine light on the right and shy away from the wrong

for one is exalted and the other is abhorred 

that one must be chosen above the other

but my rebellious disposition kept troubling my pensive mind 

isn't polarity the quintessence of nature

isn't the temperament embedded in our existence

what is rain without some sun

what is hail without some rainbows

what is grief without blissfulness

how do you state black without knowing white?

i concurred,

these anomalies co exist, support-strengthen the other

these contradictions exist, also inside of me

why doesn't the conflict between them

supersede the other

why does one win momentarily before loosing to the other

why doesn't the relentless disagreement explode within us

For what is love without a bit of hate

what is friendship without envy 

aren't they reflections of each other

aren't they the darkest friends and the whitest enemies?

aren't they cloaked connotations of the other

for one can't exist without the other

isn't love , a manifestation of hate 

ANd sometimes when I fail to find answers

i look for solace and peace outside 

and when i see the smoothening ripples on the ceaselessly flowing water

when i see the wind abrading the composed serene surface of water

the inner turmoil soothes at this sight

i see the harmonious discord everywhere around me 

then y should i choose one side 

y should i put lifes choices in separate boxes..

and not be free and very me ...

I was born with a dichotomous nature  

I choose not left nor right...