Fleeting musings

Come walk with me

into the morning sun

where the dew drops, matted over the green canvas

palliate our roughened souls

Come stay with me

through day in and night

I didn't ask for a love sonnet

I didn't ask for a flowery bed

just stay,

till all the insecurities wash away

come hold my hand

firmly, steadily

hold me through that traitorous road

I can make it through on my own

but I just want to know, you were right behind

Look into my eyes deeply

and let me see that you understand my soul

for I want you to know me

in those moments when I don't know myself

Be kind to me, as I have been to you

I have a soft soul behind those high gates

I let you in,

I let you see all the vulnerabilities in me

Let me breathe in the space I gave you, peacefully

Lie with me, in the moment that is so mine

on lonely meadows, perched atop an undulated topography

under that solitary tree,

revelling in the sun's filtered rays

in the wind that mixes your scent with my headiness

yes, my moment, this moment

that is so ephemeral that it shall last forever

as the sun bids adieu, so shall you

today,  tomorrow or somewhere in the receding horizon

i shall be happy enough

to capture a bit of your soul

I will keep it between my wistful sheets

in longing memory of what

it could have been.

To my grandfather ...

I watched you every morning

when you dressed,

when you exercised, when you met people

when you worked day in and day out

I saw what your work meant to you

I saw how your people revered you

Despite the adulation, you were humble and unyielding

I was in awe with you then , I am even now

I was 5, and you were an important man.

I wish I had known you as my grandfather,

I wish you had time 

in the some moments that you were there

I wish I was not that shy.

I grew up looking upto you

with every obstacle I ever faced in life

with every condescending look, with every demeaning word every said

I thought of you, 

of your strength to face a nation

of your conviction of your work

of your will to fight back

that made me go on

that has defined who I am today

With every challenge I would say

my grandfather did it, so will I.

People say I have a lot of strength

I'm a maverick, I'm bold

people say I have the courage to go off the beaten track

I have always known where that came from

from the life you've led 

from the person you are

I never wanted to let you down 

and hence , I carried on 

I always, always braved the storm.

People follow inspirational figures

people they have never known

I never had to look far 

because I always had you

You were always proud of me

I just wanted to make you even prouder 

and hence I worked and worked, 

and the day I found my salvation was 

when you said " I see myself in you".

Endlessly, the world has shackled you

the world has been unfair 

you have been unfair to a lot of people

you've lost a lot, gained very less in life 

but its that man in you who still holds onto life

holds onto his true self

holds on to his core strength

has always amazed me

I have never met another being like yourself

On occasions you have looked past me

on occasions I probably didn't matter

but despite of everything grand dad

you have been my defining force in life

and I know, you have never known that

I may never tell you this 

but I love you every bit

I've always drawn strength from you 

I have never seen you falter

that is the memory I wish to keep forever.

No matter what happens next or 

what people say 

how people perceive you 

or how they try to dissect your life in my eyes

the memory of you, your life, your courage, your strength 

are etched in my mind forever

that is my own personal stash of strength

You may never know how much you have made me

but I'd like you to know 

that you're my grand father first

and the rest doesn't matter at all.

With whatever life would hit me 

I know I will face it 

because I have your blood running in my veins

because I am Your grand daughter.

  

Looking back to see how far i've come ..

                                                       Connecting dots in retrospect

or dots connecting by themselves ...

am i leading my time

or is time leading me

slowly and steadily i uncover the hidden path

wondering where it shall lead

or where I lead it eventually

the clock ticks by
time rides on tides
sometimes washing ashore, breaking into my conscious
sometimes leaving my space
letting me live in my moments
times been an ally, i knew not
it passed by on occasions
on occasions it just stood still
witnessing silently , my emotions flow

theres a smile lingering at the back of my mind
the memory of it dangles in the air 
suffuses me with renewed freshness
it half reaches my lips
it half fades away with the memory of it
I willingly succumb to my self-effacing mind 


In the midst of the melody of  synchronised unsavoury voices
my heart plays an irregular tune 
my eyes look skyward
my ears turn within 
I keep trying to discern 
the inexplicable stirring happening within me
i try to wrap my head around what it could possibly be
but I guess
the heart has its reasons, that reasons know not.

I feel heady today , my heart knows why 
the air is intoxicating and the clouds are shy
I'm at the threshold of the reason of my very existence 
I've worked all my life
to achieve that picture of me 
in the heart of hearts
this mental picture never got lost, in the seasons come and gone
no one can ever take that away from me
because I have become, I have come into my being

I've been searching all my life for that place I've longed for
my realm , my universe
it is ready besides me today, to set me free
the breeze blows through my hair
whispers gently in my ear , 
'you're here, you're finally here'

And now, I follow the path covered with shrubs of uncertainty
a thorn here, a flower there
this is how I chose life to be
drenched with ambiguity, excitement and with heart wrenching beauty
for the journey I chose , and the journey I led so far
has always made every step worth it
I have to keep going on
to be true to myself
to uncover what is left to be uncovered
to see what is left to be seen
to find, what is left of me. 

I will forever be very unapologetically me!

A word, a glance, those suggestive eyes
I know what you think
I know what you mean
I've seen my share of life
i've struggled, i failed i succeeded
i made something of me
which you cannot see
so you cant take it from me

I'm a woman, I might look frail
but i'm as hard as a nut
you can't break into me
you can't break me down
I have an indomitable spirit
its never let me down

I'm smart , i'm pretty ,
I rejoice in being me
and I have every right to be
I am nothing but a less than perfect image of myself
I won't demean, I won't debase myself
to make you feel empowered
I am and will forever be
very unapologetically me

it is my prerogative
to live , to breathe in the air I choose to
to not be a slave to your thoughts, your desires
my mind cannot be manoeuvred, or led astray
And if I don't give in
you better go the other way

you punish me
you bring me to the ground
I will only get back up each time
because I never learnt to give up
you will never get the best of me

my morals, my ideals , my values, my being
are very well defined
you can't sway me in either way
because I walk my own path
i reign on my own mind

This is not the end that you see of me
I have an unyielding spirit
an indelible mind
Its not over till I don't say it
It's not over till I don't win.

Glimpse into one of my nights...

Lone rangers of the sleepless nights
what keeps you up?
is it love and happiness
or worry and anxiety
or chasing the helms of an implausible dream?
or webbing plans along the maze called life

lone rangers of the sleepless nights
what is that you protect?
in the shrouded darkness from watchful eyes
a desire?
a sacred wish?
a hidden treasure?
a coveted life?
does it enrapture your soul?
does it make your daily living obscure?

Lone rangers of these sleepless nights
do you surrender your walls to the throes of vulnerability
or do you let go off the egoistic pretence
and submit to fearless introspection

What is it that you fear?
what is it that you hold so dear?
that is revealed in the fervent throngs of these solitary nights

Lone rangers of these soulful nights
what music does your night play
do the leaves rustle merrily by your window
after  a treacherous rainy day

do you dig deep or do you let it be
do your memories encapsulate you as the night unwinds
or does your mind take you to places u hardly would find
do you yearn for unfulfilled wishes
or do you soar the unrestricted blue skies
do you bask in the uncertainty of the ceaselessly advancing time

it is in these moments
that life comes into being
the world slows down
and the pace is subliminal
when you wrap your head around yourself
you encounter you dimly under the lights of the shadowy lamps
when there is nowhere to look without
but just to seek within
the answers, the solace,  the agony, the peace
wait for you to decide the flavour of this night
lone rangers of these sleepless nights
which road are you going down tonight?

An ode to the women I see

She flies with her own wings
    her life is her song
her scruples, the objections in her path
    her leisure, her bed of fantasies

her world, her perception from her eyes
    her heart, a mirror of her unsung desires
her mind, a pool of its afflictions and aspirations
    her spirit, unencumbered
her essence immortalised in time

she falls , she rises, she braves the tide
   but sometimes, yet sometimes
she frees herself and rides home on the tides

her stoic semblance bottles up the tumultuous emotions
   raging her interiors, eroding her stability
its human, its only human to feel this way
   she gives in
sometimes frugally, sometimes unsparingly
   but she knows well, when time comes
to take her possessions back

there is a little satchel she carries
   where she keeps her little bundles of joy
her own space, her own prerogative before time
   she keeps it hidden
hidden in those moments of self-torn desire
   hidden between moments
of loosing and finding yourself
   between rationality and irrationality
between sighing and breathing
   between the dawn and the early morn
in all those seconds spent in vulnerable thought

and before the twilight ends
   before it takes back the little tufts like clouds soaked with serene lusciousness
before dawn breaks into her sub conscious
   she wraps her little joys, and puts them away, shielded
under her cotton sheets of wistful chimeras
   she walks through her day customarily
a smile here, an empathetic shrug there
   but in her heart
she longs to surround herself in
   her private possessions- her memories, her desires, her moments, her soul
to relive those treasured silent memories of unrequited dreams

I'm amazed by the soul in front of me
   always hiding behind the shadows of a half-revealed self
hoping someday someone would see
   see through the unseen, see through the disguised impersonation of herself
I'm amazed how unsparingly people disregard her delicate soul
   but she still does
she still walks on the unknown roads
   trying to find her own way
in the milieu of dogmatic voices
   she believes in singing her own song
because she flies, she flies with her own wings ....

 

delicious ambiguity, alluring anonymity

Delicious ambiguity, why does it entice me
why does it draw me
is it an escape from a tireless regime
or an escape from or to reality?

in the potently static reality
the staleness in the air makes my mind numb
i adapt to my peripheral surrounding
i accept this delusion as my reality
till the time i need to break the mould
to reclaim my lost mind
to have my own free reign over my self
without my mind impeding
without the hidden armour going up
and then i see , then i see how delusive i have been....

the hum-drum of dialy activites
reverberate in my mind
it confines me to think and react and behave in only certain acceptable ways
and now i cant discern whether which part is really me
and which part is the facade i adopt to keep up with the pace of this mundane life..

And then I need to break free from the ceaselessly ongoing regime
when i no longer can be a subject to routine
so i set on a journey , as it calls for me
hoping to reclaim my lost soul

when i view the world from a third perspective
it is the moment that i view myself from a third perspective
there is some pleasure in getting lost
in loosing urself tll u find urself
there is some peace in walking in a crowd
when ur not under a constant radar
you take a step back, back from life
and see
see the people, the faces walking by
when nobody observes you
and u see the faces
u recognise a few, some confound u
ur cloaked in a shroud of naked invisibility
yes there is pleasure in anonymity
is that y i travel?

the uncertainty of the new place, whiskes away all ur defenses
u fulfill your desire to see the end of all world
explore endlessly changing horizons
see a different rising and a different setting sun
freedom form the current regime
its like breathing again
makes u feel formless, invincible
without any boundaries
ur thoughts can explore any deep seated notions
ur thoughts can uproot any fixed conception
your views can move beyond your peripheral subconcious
your eyes can perceive greater than they can visually see
u feel a change happening within thee
u mould ur mind according to ur renewed perception
u evaluate ur biased values
u imbibe the air , the feeling , the culture of the new place
there is such pleasure in anonymity and more
it opens possibilities of existence
like you can exist in more forms than one
u can romantize life in new forms
there is some pleasure in delaying and acting
the moment in between relaxes you
it swells the ignorance of the unknown future
makes u believe ur in control of the moment

there is pleasure between loosing ur senses and regaining control
in holding and letting go
in confessing and repressing
as it opens several possibilities
probably even more than those that exist
feels like
the pleasure between winter and spring
of hope, of faith of letting go
i summon the ignorance to the fore
i summon the hope to the fore
there is beauty, utter peace and delight
in not getting to know
of flowing with life
of not questioning back
and letting life take total control
and numbing ur mind

delicious ambiguity
alluring anonymity
why do they mesmerise me?